i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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