Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Soap is not a condiment
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
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And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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