Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
