I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Operation Purity has been aborted
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I fill condoms, not promises.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
