i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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