Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
