I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
