ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
