Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
