I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
