i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
