i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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