My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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