I am in a vortex of obligation.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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