The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
