well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
