if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
