So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
