This is not my ceiling
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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