He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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