No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
