the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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