SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
