I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
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Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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