he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
