it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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