i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
