I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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