i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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