i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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