i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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