Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.