why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
