This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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