I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she told me i tasted like america
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
