The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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