I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
