I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
