if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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