I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
