Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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