Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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