Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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