so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Is it penis luge time yet?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
