who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
