How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
