know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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