it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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