the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
