It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
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it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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