I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
