time to smoke my breakfast
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
