Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
