chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
