I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
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