yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
