So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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