My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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