lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
