btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
