My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you had me at cake vodka
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
