There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
