Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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