Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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